So I Thought
by xTamarax
Summary: Break. Lie. Kiss. Envy. Lie. Kiss. Fall. It was all so simple. Too bad they didn’t count on the last one.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story itself. 'Tis a sad and cruel world. Oh, and I occasionally borrow lyrics.

Title: So I Thought

Summary: Response to Juderific's Jwest challenge.

Break. Lie. Kiss. Envy. Lie. Kiss. Fall. It was all so simple. Too bad they didn't count on the last one.

**I.**

…**_I thought you were special…_**

She squeezed her eyes tightly, vision blurred, wishing away the memory emblazoned on her mind. Over and over again it played. A knife straight through her heart. She swallowed hard, and her body started to give way, her only support was her tiny, snow white hands pressed palms flat against the sound board, sharp little knobs pressing into her delicate flash, leaving purple indentations, almost drawing blood.

But she couldn't feel a thing except for the excruciating pain in her heart and body when she saw him, saw _them. _

_His_ hands on her bare flesh.

_Her_ nails digging into his exquisitely defined back.

_His_ name escaping her lips in a breathy tone.

_His_ kiss tainting _her._

It wasn't supposed to be this way. He was supposed to want to be with her and only her. His kiss, his touch was supposed to belong to her. He was supposed to love her. A lot of things were supposed to be. But they just weren't.

And she cursed God and Cupid, and herself for believing that she could mean more to him that just a flavor of the week, and for believing in him.

Her breathing became harder and more ragged, and her legs went numb and weak, as she slid down to the floor, her hands relinquishing their support grip of the sound board, and she fell to the ground with a "thud."

She brought her knees to her chest, her upper body slouched forward, hot tears stinging her eyes, burning from the liner and three coats of mascara mixed with hot salt. One hand covered her mouth as she choked back a heavy sob, praying that no one would find her like this.

Pitifully weak and shattered, to be hide behind a façade of plastic smiles, sweet words and crystalline laughs.

Because no one knew.

No one could know.

Because he said so.

Said it would hurt them and break them. Rip them apart.

And she had said she believed him.

A scream escaped her throat, and passed through her lips only to be muffled by her hand that covered her cherry red lips, and the metallic taste of speckles of blood invaded her hot, wet mouth and she reveled in it. Because it tasted what emptiness and a broken heart should.

Subconsciously she heard the studio door open and shut, but she had hoped it was a figment of her imagination, that no one was willing to find her in her solitary confinement of despair.

Jude felt a hand on her back, tracing small circles, and saw the outline of someone crouched down below her. She couldn't bring herself to flinch at the contact of his hand on her. She welcomed it and she couldn't quite understand why, her body that had shook with violent sobs somehow calming a little.

"Jude," he whispered no attempt to hid the concern and sympathy she didn't want to her. It was already loud enough in her head.

"Po-Portia a-a-nd -" she stuttered out and he whispered "I know," and she shook her head. He sat next to her, and he brought her head to his shoulder, and ran a hand through her Barbie blonde tresses as she sobbed more than she had been willing too.

And Jude cursed herself again for believing she could ever be more than a dirty little secret to him.

And she cried the last tears she had resolved she would ever waste on Thomas Quincy.

**II**

…**_Gotta find a way just to make it thru. Cause I will be the death of you…_**

"Ugh! That stupid, god Damn lying, good-for-nothing-bastard!" Jude stomped into the studio, a force to be reckoned with, a blur with her newly dyed brilliant red hair. She slammed the door behind her and began pacing the room frantically.

"I mean who the hell does he think he is? Thinks he can come in here, tell me my songs are crap when he's just a washed up ex-boybander who desperately seeks attention from anyone that is willing to spread their legs! And- Hey are you even listening to me?" she question aggravated at his lack of attention towards her.

"Nope. Not listening to a damn thing you say," he smiled taunting her, his back still facing her, as he continued adjusting the keys on the sound board.

"Well, you're going to listen to me vent, rant, bitch and think out loud as I list off 101 ways too kill Thomas Quincy. Whether you want to or not. " she commanded placing her hands on her hips purposefully.

Kwest sighed deeply, and tried to focus on what he was doing. Key word here was "try." She was so damn distracting, whether she meant to be or not. And that was something that troubled him, deeply, especially this last month.

"Look Jude, this is what your 1,113th Tommy tirade in a month?" he mumbled quite honestly sick of listening to her go on and on about Tommy and how he was such an ass. He didn't need to be told that. He already knew that….long before she did.

Jude's hands dropped from her hips and she exhaled, a sign that she was surrendering. She pulled out the other black swivel chair, and rolled next to him, staring through the glass looking into the empty sound booth. Her elbows propped her up, as she faced her face in the palms of her hands.

"Kwest, I know you're probably sick of hearing about him and how much I loathe him," she started, "but you're all I've got in this," she confessed. "And I need you," she muttered almost under her breath, but she knew he had heard when his hand froze and stopped playing with the keys that has previously preoccupied him.

Kwest swore internally. Damn it. Jude had got to him…again. Something she did easily these last few weeks. Their friendship had grown immensely and developed into something neither had ever imagined. And Kwest was left wondering now just where his feelings for he just being platonic begun and ended.

It was something that kept him up at night.

She kept him up at night.

Thoughts of her evaded through his mind, until he wanted to bang his head into a wall.

Kind of like what he wanted to do now.

And here he sat with her.

Knowing full well that Quincy would have him drawn and quartered for even considering Jude as something more than a friend, even though Quincy had no claim to her. Not anymore

And Kwest had made that known when he punched Tommy in the face just a mere few minutes after he found Jude _that night._

"I am pretty much over him, ya know?" Jude asked more than stated, sounding more like she was trying to convince herself.

Kwest raised an eyebrow as he turned to face her, and now she was just sitting there almost a passive look displayed on her pretty, pale face as she looked at him through heavy lashes, eyes of blue fire, only her left elbow now resting on the counter supporting the left side of her face as she looked at him.

"I am. Really. I am. I just….I'm just so angry. I want him to hurt like I did. And he doesn't even feel a thing. And that kills me…that it was just so easy for him to walk away from me."

"Easy for him to walk away, Jude? I don't think anyone could ever just walk away from you," he blurted out.

"Shay did. And now Tommy," Jude pointed out defeated.

"Shay is a damn idiot. And just for the record so is Quincy. Jude you know I think he really does love you," he stated cautiously.

She shook her head in disbelief, "No Tommy only loves himself," Jude retorted bitterly.

"That's just it Jude. Tommy had never loved anybody but himself. He never really knew how too. And you changed that. He loves you Jude. He just never really knew how to show it. And quite frankly he sucks a commitment," Kwest defended Tommy and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why.

It wasn't like he lied either. What he had said where almost the exact words from the mouth of the devil himself.

Jude rolled her eyes, "That much is quite obvious," she said referring to Kwest's last statement.

"He's going to miss you Jude. He's going to realize what he lost, but it'll be too late by then. It's his loss," he offered her sincerely.

She just smiled slightly, and her eyes lowered to the ground and one of his hands made contact with hers, embracing it lightly, a sign that he was there for her, for someone to listen and lean on. And to just be her friend.

"He's taking her to the Valentine's Day party, ya know? I just can't decide which hurts worse. Him cheating on me or the him wanting to hide our relationship from everyone but he'll take _her_ too Darius's media event," Jude confessed not bother to disguise one hint of bitterness, anger, or hurt.

Kwest shook his head in disappointment at Tommy's lack of class, and squeezed Jude's hand and she returned the embrace in mutual silence. Because there was nothing that needed to be said.

Nothing that could be said to change how she felt.

Kwest was only left with the knowledge this his so-called best friend was a complete moron and asshole.

Oh yeah, that and the fact that he wanted nothing more than to kiss the girl in front of him.

**III**

"**_You're bound to lose the game. There's no one else to blame…You are doomed to be undone. I swear I'll be the one to bring you down…"_**

Kwest was perfectly content drinking his Sprite and just about to indulge in his Double Cheeseburger when she had to go and just…well just do what she does best.

Interrupt his content little life in his own little word.

She took a seat across from him, folded her hands on the cold, solid table in the kitchen at G-Major, her face glowing, and a small smile playing on her lips.

He looked at her questioningly and she began to speak. "Do you remember what you said the other day about how Tommy will miss me one day and yadi-yadi-yada. And I said I want him to hurt like me?"

An uneasy feeling began to stir inside Kwest's stomach and he put down his cheeseburger. Suddenly he didn't want it anymore.

"Yeah, something like that…" he replied skeptically

"Well…I have an idea. Ok, more like a plan. I call it the "What goes around, comes around" plan. Oh and you can thank JT for the name of my plan," she stated with smirk on her face, holds still folded neatly on the table.

Kwest inhaled deeply and tried to brace himself for what was coming. Whatever it was, whatever this "plan" was, he was positive it wasn't going to be a good idea at all.

"JT? And what plan, Jude? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Justin Timberlake. JT."

"Oh. So what is the plan of yours, because frankly, Jude, I have a bad feeling about this."

"Pssh, relax Kwest. Ok here's what I'm thinking," she began and Kwest was sucking the contents of his large sprite down as she explained, trying to take in everything she was saying.

It ended with him spitting out his Sprite on the table, eyes wide.

"I'm sorry. WHAT?!"

"Ew, Kwest gross. You got your spit and soda all over the table."

"Jude I don't care. You want me to do what?!" he asked incredulous. He knew he should have prayed before he tried to eat.

He suddenly remember that he ordered no pickles on his double cheeseburger.

"I said I want you to take me to the Valentine's Day bash Darius is throwing. And I want you to pretend like we're a couple."

Fuck.

And he liked pickles.

**Lyrics belong to Garbage, Breaking Benjamin, and Garbage again.**

**Thoughts anyone?**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

A/N: See, I really am continuing this one. And a HUGE thank you too everyone who read and reviewed this. Considering the pairing, I was pleasantly surprised to see so much support and interest. Thank you so much!!!

Hope you guys are still interested in this, or I will discontinue it. I know people lose interest in stories that are updated sporadically, but I hope you are still interested. This is something I would def. like to finish, and need to know if it's even worth finishing.. Please let me know what you think. And I am soooo sorry for the huge delay. Again, my apologies.

Also, this is completely un-beta'd

So I Thought- Chapter 2

****

IV. _"He is the lamb, she is the slaughter…."_

"You know this isn't fair, right?" she asked him rhetorically, as she sat once again in the swivel chair she adored so much, and pouted at him.

"Yes, I do. It's not fair too play games, Jude. If this is what you want to do, then you two were made for each other," Kwest said, trying once again to concentrate of sound adjustments on the board in front of him. But as per usual, she was distracting him. More like her words were.

He couldn't believe she had the audacity to actually ask him .

__

"I said I want you to take me to the Valentine's Day bash Darius is throwing. And I want you to pretend like we're a couple."

"Jude, sweetheart, I like you, but at this moment I now realize you are clearly certifiable."

"Quit being dramatic. And I am _not_ certifiable. My shrink told me so," she grinned.

Her demeanor changed when she went to sit next to him, and almost cuddled up to the side of him. She was close, very close. He could smell the scent of her strawberry shampoo, mint gum, and vanilla lip gloss. Then he wondered if he the lip gloss and gum tasted as good as it smelled, and if her hair felt as soft as it looked.

He was going to hell. Straight to hell. No pearly white gates for him.

"Look, Kwest, I know he is, or was your best friend. But all I want is a chance to be even. And what way to hurt him more than to think I'm with you? I know it's cruel and _very, very wrong_," she spoke almost in a whisper near his ear, and a sensation penetrated him as in the way she spoke those last three words as if she was deriving an unbearable amount of pleasure from her insane idea. "But I'm not feeling like such a nice girl anymore. Kwest. After all the shit he's pulled with me, it's time that he learns a lesson."

He swallowed hard and tried to think of an intelligent response, but damn it! She was too close. And her little innuendo's, whether on purpose or not, were clearly having their effect on him. He still gave her no answer, and she backed away slightly while sighing.

Then she did it.

She picked up _his_ cheeseburger and took a rather large bit.

"Damn it, woman! No. Okay the answer is no. Now give me back my cheeseburger.! That's the second on today you've ruined" he demanded.

She swallowed her bite, and her eyes conveyed her disappointment. "But why?" she asked, almost whining. She knew she sounded like a child but she didn't care.

Yes she knew what she wanted to do was mean and wrong, but Tommy had wronged her one too many times. No one deserves to be treated that way, and she was going to show him that. She was going to show him that she didn't need him, and that she would be just fine without him. Even if it was all staged.

Tom Quincy deserved to be burned like she had, and many girls before her had too.

"Because you at my cheeseburger," Kwest stated matter-of-factly.

"Kwest, I'm serious," Jude said, running a hang through her hair, frustrated.

"So am I. No. The answer is no. And I'm not doing it too be mean. I'm doing it because I know you better than that. You'll do this, and then you'll feel guilty for 'hurting' Tommy the second he feigns a hurt expression, and you'll go right back to where you were. You'll go back to him if he asks you. And finally, because you're better than this, Jude. You're better than him."

"No, I'm not, Kwest. I'm really not," Jude replied with a frown.

"Yes you are. Are we okay though?" he asked.

"I guess. But only if you let me eat the other part of your cheeseburger," Jude flashed him a girlish smile and batted her eyelashes, feigning innocence.

Kwest slapped her hand away as she went too grab the treasured cheeseburger. "Get your own!" He growled playfully. "You can afford your own, rock star."

Jude smirked as she stood up, and pretended to dust her hands off on her jeans. "But it always tastes _so_ much better when it's someone else's. But I'm suddenly struck with the urge for a fixation of an overload of caffeine, and a sugar high."

Kwest just rolled his eyes, "Just remember that while you're on your sugar high, to stay away from Darius's office and his Wii."

"Oh, Kwest it was one time. One freaken time and you act like I defaced the Mona Lisa!" Jude defended with mock hurt.

"It was Darius's Mona Lisa, Jude. No playing Guitar Hero in Darius's office. And stay away from SME too. You guys cause way too much mischief."

"Oh please, that old thing needed to be broken. I mean come on, who really worships the 'Boyz Attack Certified Platinum' Plaque. I swear that man prayed to think like it was Buddha. Or maybe he just enjoyed the staring at Chaz and Tommy. After all, they were standing with their legs kinda far apart, and if you look low enough, it makes for a nice crotch shot."

"JUDE, go snort your pixie sticks! And no more talk about Darius staring at Tommy's crotch, for the love of God, please!" Kwest begged with a nauseated look upon his face.

"You're way too cranky. Finish your burger."

"Bye, Jude," Kwest said monotone as he stared at the burger, and realized he no longer had an appetite.

"Bye, Kwest. Oh, and one more thing," Jude said as she stood behind him and wrapped an arm across the front of his chest, and leaned down, her hair ticking the back of his neck.

"You did not win this one. It's far from over. You will say 'yes' and pretend to be my boyfriend. And you know what, Kwest?" she giggled as she whispered in his ear. "You're going to love every second of it," her voice sounded of seduction, reassurance, and confidence. "Later, Kwest," she stood up, and strutted away with a purpose.

And that was exactly why he was afraid of Jude Harrison.

****

V. "_Face to face, my lovely foe. Mouth to mouth, raining heaven's blows. Hand on heart, tic tac toe…One more kiss before we die, face to face, and dream of flying"_

Jude surveyed the room before her in disgust. Darius may be a man of many things, but she never imagined this was one of them. Completely, utterly, she'd rather sing a duet with Eden tasteless.

Heart shaped pink "diamonds," aka cubic zirconia's. sprinkled like confetti lined the buffet tables. Buffet tables that were serving caviar and roasted duck, mind you. White and Pink foiled streamers lined the ceiling, causing the lights of the chandelier too glare off of them, almost blinding. Like Darius and his 'bling'. Typical.

Couples, more along the lines of swingers, filled the large room, and board members, or suits, as she preferred to call them, mingled, or tried too, with the artists and producers, and celebrity guests.

Worst of all, she had to wear a…dress. A freaken dress. The dress code called strictly for ladies to wear pink or red, and the men in tuxes. It was a sight for sore eyes. But Jude, being herself, wanted to push the boundaries a little, and see just how much she could tick Darius off.

She wore a black dress, with a corseted top, giving her cleavage so never even knew she had. The skirted portion of the dress was a pencil style skirt, that clung to her hips, leaving no curve to the imagination. She paired it with a pair of high healed Mary Janes, and instead of wearing the sparkling diamond earrings that every other Barbie in this place adorned, she chose an earring that said "Cupid" and the other one said "Died."

Darius had not been thrilled with her sense of humor, but she raised her glass slightly above her and saluted. "Here's to you, Patsy."

"Talking to yourself again I see, my dear," a masculine voice said as his head leaned over her shoulder, and she kissed his cheek.

"Just admiring the lovely decorations. Just remind me to thank Darius for hiring the prom committee from our school. Lovely, don't you think, James?" she asked with sugary sarcasm as she handed him her drink.

"My, my. James you sure do clean up nicely," she teased half seriously as she "messed" up his hair. Though she did have to admit Jamie had changed over the past few years, and was definitely easy on the eyes. He looked like the cute lead singer from your favorite screamo band.

"As do you my darling, Jude. I never knew you had so many…assets," he teased and she elbowed him in the stomach.

"Ouch! That hurt," Jamie replied as he patted his stomach.

"That was kinda the point, James."

"Ugh would you stop calling me that, for the love of Sonic Youth and Robert Smith, please," he asked almost begging.

Jude cupped his chin like a little child, "Sure my little Jamey Wamey."

"Oh god, no more alcohol and pixie sticks for you!"

Jude pouted and dropped her hand as if she were a child who had been scorned. But then she looked at him thru batted, thick lashes and said innocently, "But I thought you loved me, Jamie?"

"I love you again now that you've stopped calling me, James. So where's your date for the evening?" he inquired as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Oh, he'll be here," she assured with a smirk on her face. "He will most definitely be here," Jude reiterated before grabbing Jamie's hand and dragging him to the dance floor.

a

a

a

a

"Hello, Jude," an all too familiar voice intruded her solace in the corner of the room, far away from the desperate eyes of the media, and suits who wanted to hoard her with questions of who was producing her next album, when it would be released, would it be as good as the last, and whose bed was she sleeping in. Of course, they had prodded and started to get nasty when all she said was "no comment."

"Hey, girl how are you?" Tommy asked as he approached her cautiously.

"Fine. I am doing mighty fine, especially since I've realized that I wasted too much time and too many on feelings on you. But I'll tell you, it does make for some killer songs. Maybe you'd like to hear one some time, or hell even produce one. The first one goes a little something like 'You wrote me in a letter. You couldn't say it right too my face," she began to sing a little louder on the second line, causing Tommy to tense, and Jude only smiled, her posture straightening, her skin growing a little thicker. "Give me that Sunday school answer. Repent yourself away," she held the last night, her voice growing stronger and stronger as she moved towards him.

"Jude!" he hissed in a strong whisper. "Just stop, I get it okay?"

"No, Tommy I don't think you do. Or you wouldn't have the audacity too even look at me, let alone to speak to me like an old friend, or…lover," she hissed back.

Tommy's eyes flashed with something like regret, and Jude was actually taken back. His appearance seemed lacking, for him anyways. Them man was still gorgeous, but in this moment his chiseled features were etched with perhaps sadness and his eyes were dull, weighed down by guilt. And she felt her heart clutch in her chest, and had to gasp to catch her breath, because she wanted desperately to cling to him, and tell him she knows he never meant to hurt her. But she couldn't be that weak, naïve, hopelessly in love girl anymore. It would be suicide all over again.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted too see how you were. I know I messed up, girl. I know you hate me. I know I'm being selfish, but I just had too at least her your voice. I think I'm starting to go a little crazy here," he admitted and let out a forced little laugh.

"You're not the only one, Quincy," she muttered under her breath, her arms now crossed across her chest, almost as a protective measure.

"I miss you," he said boldly, intense, and crystal clear. His ice blue eyes trying to lock hers, trying to read her thoughts and her soul. Jude shook her head violently, she refused too keep eye contact with him, and let him win. Because she was weak when it came to him. Tommy was Jude Kryptonite.

"How's your date?" Jude taunted her voice laced with anger and betrayal. "How's precious Portia?" her voice venomous showing no lack of contempt for the older woman. "Is she in the bathroom snorting some lines, and cleaning herself from the cheap limo fuck she gave you on the way over here?"

Tommy's eyes grew furiously. Just as she suspected. "You say you love me, yet you continue to screw the woman you cheated on me with. Just as I thought. Never could keep it in your pants could you, Quincy?" Jude scolded as she saw something over his shoulder across the room. And she would be as big of a liar if she said he didn't catch her eye and looked, well, delicious for lack of a better word. Then she got an idea as Tommy grabbed her forearms and yanked her too him.

"Why does it matter, Jude? Jealous a little bit Jude?" he said harshly, his breathe playing on his lips.

Jude rolled her blue eyes, "Oh yes, Tommy so jealous. But you know what, Tommy?" she asked in a sarcastic monotone voice. He shot daggers at her eyes, just a mere inch away from him. She leaned up on her tippy toes, and whispered intimately in his ear. " Never again will I miss you. Never again will I fall to you. _Never. _Never again will I kiss you. Never again will I want to. _Never_ again will I _love_ you." her whisper spoke of conviction and the cold hard truth, then she pushed him away as hard as she could, dusted her hands off as if riding herself of filth. "Excuse me, my _date_ is waiting," she informed him and walked away with her goal and destination in mind.

Operation "Kill Tommy, Figuratively" set in motion, willing participants or not. He would fall to her this time.

The reporters tried too grab her arm to slow her down, and ask her questions again.

"Jude do you have a boyfriend?"

"Jude whose your date tonight?"

"Jude, you looked awfully close to Little Tommy Q. Are you two lovers"

Jude, Jude, JUDE!

She marched on, and could feel her foe's eyes watching her the whole time.

And if the media wanted something to talk about, oh she was going to give them something to talk about.

She reached her destination, and slid her arm around his waste gently, in a friendly manner so he wouldn't get suspicious, and hugged his side.

"Hey, Jude. You look…different than everyone her. But still flawlessly beautiful," he complimented her and squeezed her back. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm so much better now that you're here," she replied coyly.

Before he could respond Jude had thrown herself in front of him, her body against his, and she leaned up and pressed his lips to his, rough at first, and full of pent up anger, but the second she could feel his supple lips on hers, she felt something else, and brushed her lips against his a little more gently.

He was froze from shock at first, but almost instantly he surrendered against the voices in his head telling this was wrong. Her tongue traced his lips and asked for entrance and he granted it to her. His hands wrapped around her lower back, pulling him closer to her, and he took dominance, his tongue exploring her mouth slowly, and savoring the taste of her cherry lip gloss, red wine, and the brownie she had eaten. But it was something distinctly Jude.

Jude's hands had locked on the back of his neck, her fingertips grazing the bare skin there. He gently nibbled on her bottom lips, breaking away, causing her to whimper, and almost beg for more, before he kissed her again fiercely and she moaned into his mouth.

Her lips burned from the sensation of his on hers, and she struggled to find a way to breathe as their tongues brushed again. The intensity was too much for her to take. She had been kissed before, and Tommy was a great kisser but this was something different. There was no hiding this, no secrets.

He was gentle, yet dominating and passionate.

He had momentarily forgotten his name and where he was until the sound of the cameras went of. A front page headline they would be.

Click, Click, Click.

Flash.

They both broke away at the commotion, her labored breathing matching his. The reality of what she'd done came crashing on her. She was barely able to think or move, but all she could think was that she wasn't thinking. She never wanted to be the girl on the cover of a tabloid with her tongue down a guy's throat.

It hurt that she felt like she used Kwest.

It hurt that she used him to make Tommy jealous.

But most of all, it hurt to be her own worst enemy.

Because she wasn't supposed to like kissing him.

"Jude," he was the first to speak, still holding her, whispering her name, letting her know that he was still there

"Kwest," she whispered with shame and guilt, her face buried in his chest.

__

Click, Click, Click.

__

Flash.

Credits go to Brand New, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and my pop guilty pleasure, Kelly Clarkson


End file.
